The Black Sorcerer of the Black Castle by Andrew J. Offutt (REH is the villain!)

by Gary Romeo

Unlike my last blogpost, where the author (Manly Wade Wellman) made Sprague de Camp the villain because of a dislike for him, this author (Andrew J. Offutt) made Robert E. Howard the villain because of a love for him.

This story has a bit of a unique history to it as it appeared as both a parody and straight version. It was originally submitted as a parody, but editor Fred Pohl, asked that it be rewritten. The straight version appeared as “The Forgotten Gods Of Earth” for Worlds of IF, December 1966. Then the original parody version was published in Cosmic Laughter, Holt, Rinehart and Winston, 1974. This parody version was reprinted as a HALL PUBLICATIONS booklet in 1976.

The parody starts on the front cover. First, we get a parody of Robert E. Howard’s use of the word “black” in both the title and author’s name. Second, a parody (or arguably a homage) of the Frazetta Lancer covers. Butt-crack included.

“Kimon the Konerian gazed up at the black castle towering into the moonless sky, its murky turrets and minarets resembling dark fingers pointing the way to the shadow gods. Kimon chuckled, the deep-throated sound of a giant of a man from a dark barbarian land. Well, he mused, soon the black magician Reh and all his daemonic guardians would go to meet those sombre gods of Atramentos – or he himself would. He loosened the black pommel of his long sword, Goreater, glanced at the ring on his finger, and mounted the hill to the castle.”

Let’s compare this first paragraph to the “straight” version published in Worlds of IF:

“Kymon of Kir gazed up at the black castle towering into the dim sky, its turrets and minarets resembling dark fingers pointing the way to the forgotten gods of Earth. The Mother Planet of Man had come upon sad times, he thought, when she was reduced to scattered castle-keeps haunted by the ghosts of her illustrious history. Some said magic ruled Earth now; some said science, remembered by the sorcerers who made the Mother Planet an inhospitable place for all save themselves.”

I think too many writers of Sword & Sorcery prefer the “parody” style opening without recognizing it as old-fashioned and outdated. Offutt changed the opening in the “straight” version for a reason. The straight version with its concentration on the setting instead of the hero works better to draw a modern reader into the story. I already know about brawny barbarians as killing machines, but I don’t know about this new Earth where magicians or scientists rule the roost. The same applies for modern Conan pastiche. I don’t need Conan established as a “bad-ass” for the umpteenth time. I want a good opening paragraph to make me interested in the setting (something new!), not the hero (who I already know!).

End of soapbox.

The parody version goes on its parodic way. Kimon learned of a captive princess, a fabulous jewel, the evil magician, and a protective magic ring from a man named Kohl. Kimon stabs Kohl and steals the magic ring. Now, at the black castle, a monster attacks. Kimon slaughters, Goreater feasts. Cosmic horror almost overwhelms Kimon but he shakes it off. Thews and steel can prevail.

There are some minor laughs along the way: Kimon curses “Black devils of Lincar!” Kimon slaughters more foes and survives things that would actually cripple in real-life. His battle cry is “WHEEEEEEEEEEEE.” There is lots and lots of over-the-top bloodletting with colorful narrative. When Kimon confronts the villainous sorcerer, Reh, the “ring of Sprag” protects him. Reh, the evil wizard in the story, is not a parody of Robert E. Howard. His initials are simply used as a sort of inside joke. REH’s style and Sword & Sorcery in general, is what is being satirized.

Kimon kills Reh and rescues the princess… BUT the princess and her guard turn on Kimon and trap him in her cell. “”You idiot barbarian!” she snapped nasally. “You male chauvinist HAWG! You dumb atavist! Look at you – a big murdering brute all over blood and gore – and your odour.”

So, [big yawn], we end up with the same type of parody we had in Poul Anderson’s “The Barbarian.”

The straight version, “The Forgotten Gods of Earth,” in Worlds of IF, despite the better opening, follows the same basic plot as the parody. Character names are changed: Kimon/Kymon, Reh/Gundrun. The action is slightly less ludicrous. The references to Lin Carter and Sprague de Camp are removed. The ending is changed. The princess still prefers the guard over Kymon, but she doesn’t insult him. Kymon has been triumphant and maintains dignity, but his killing spree has left him treasureless since he killed the man who knew the location of the treasure. In Conan-like fashion he laughs at his waste of time.

Neither the parody nor the straight version was excellent, but both were fun diversions. I would advise writers to compare their Conan pastiches to both versions of this story. If you are closer to the parody, then start over!